The Show Goes On

I've been doing a lot of reflecting these past few days... I honestly thought that I would have to spend time in solitude in order to figure out who I am.. but everyday as I surround myself by different people I peel back another layer to my own complex. I have truly matured over these past few years. I never really realized how immature and naive I was. There are many things that I blamed on other people or even my circumstances that I now realize are ironically my own responsibility or fault.

I've been searching for "friends" for so long that I myself overlooked the fact that I wasn't even ready to be the friend that I was searching for. Friendship is about give and take. I would either give so much to people who didn't deserve it. Or I would just expect and demand things without reciprocating. The same applies to relationships.

I have always believed that I am destined for great things, however I would counteract my thoughts by putting myself down in order to "ground myself" I truly do want to exceed in life but I realize I need to find a better technique in allowing myself to grow but at the same time keeping myself leveled.

... its funny that i wrote the sections above two months ago and they are still true today more so when they were written

I look back at all the bridges i've burned in the past... all of the things that I spent days, weeks, months, even years stressing over that no long have any bearing on my life. Or that in reality did happen "for a reason." I can just remember talking to my sister about not appreciating or even understanding my beauty or blessings... and I look in the mirror now and say how was I blinding myself?

I am at a point in my life now that very few things surprise me.. I just think... "and this too shall pass." I think I am at a point where I have accepted and moved on from my past... however how my past has molded me today is what I am not content about.. There are times when I break out into tears or the shakes because something is wrong... I don't understand it or like it but sometimes i'll analyze a situation and realize the only reason why I am unhappy...the only reason of my position in life...where I am in any aspect ...is because I put myself there...

So my next goal is to find the help to correct my mistakes in my past... or should I say mold myself from the lessons.. I truly am considering going to a therapist ... I need to speak with someone about all of the thoughts in my head. I am a bright girl I just need to learn how and where to channel all of my emotions & thoughts...

...THE SHOW GOES ON

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."
— Maya Angelou

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

I want to find my passion. Something I can do for the rest of my life ...that thing that I will always enjoy no matter what . Is that so much to ask for? I want to feel ALIVE...

& yet even on Christmas I feel so unmotivated towards anything in my life...

I honest to God believe i've lost my fucking mind...

I broke down a while ago
finally picking up the pieces
memoirs I had are undefeated
I feel depleted
I dont talk to God as a matter of fact I plead with
At times I hate my reflection and others I’m conceited
half the time I’m arrogant other times I’m vengeful
at times it’s to convince me, at times it’s to convince you
done a lot of wrong but I aint never felt resentful
its been so many times I’ve lost track of who to repent to
half the time I’m in the cut
dont want you to notice me
roll with me and you’ll see that I’m only awkward socially
half the time I’m spiteful, double barrell rifle
I owe so many payback I fee l like I got the right too
so if you need a case in point you can refer to budden
and it will prove that pain killers never murdered nothing
all it did was make me succumb put ice in me
now revenge is the place it takes me from
Im strong..

& my head keeps spinning
can't stop having these visions
i gotta get with it.........